Let's Try This Thing Again

Damn! So what was that like two days? Two days after saying that I am going to see what life would be like without coffee, I find myself in a coffee shop.

DAMN!!!

Maybe there is more to this than I was thinking. Maybe I do have some sort of dependence on coffee. You know I was just telling myself that I am having coffee because I would like a cup of coffee. I never really said or thought that I need a cup.

Yet there I am in the coffee shop getting mine Super Sized and to go.

I am back on the plan again today. I can do it.



Crack is Wack!!!
-Whitney Houston

No More Coffee For That Guy

What you need:

1 Filter
Boiling Water
Cup
1 Teaspoon Sugar
Little Cream
2 Tablespoons of LOVE

I do it in the morning. I do it when I get home. God forbid that I happen to have $4 on me some time during the day.

I am interested to see what will happen if I just stopped. I want to know if I can stop. I am not saying that I will never touch the stuff again. I just think that I do it too much.

So this morning was my last fix until...

OBAMA! BIDEN! THAT GUY?

I think that I have held my silence long enough. Obama is the candidate for me.

Obama, Biden, and That Guy, the unstoppable political Trifecta!

FOCUS

Distractions are everywhere. I don’t care how well you can plan, how good you are at staying focused, or what kind of zone you might find yourself in.

You can and probably will be distracted.

I have not really been able to do anything for about a week now. I have been able to draw some, which is good. I have not posted at all, which is not as good because I want this to be more of a regular thing for me.

My personal distractions this last week are:

FOOTBALL
Family
Work
Beer
Being a CRABBY ASS
Sleep
And of course the eternal war that goes on in my head.

When there is no balance there can be no creativity.

Lil’ Big Man

It is the classic case of judging a book by its cover. When people see me they assume that I am healthy. I probably eat right, I might work out, and I would be the last person that one would assume to be completely out of shape.

Yesterday in talking to my wife I told her that I have a disorder. It may not manifest itself like it does on people that overweight, or even obese, but I believe that it is the same deal.

I guess I can thank my Dad or anyone else on my family tree for giving me the metabolism to eat what I want and not gain weight as a byproduct. With that said though, I think that whatever happens to people who eat themselves to death on the inside on their body can still happen to me. That is what scares me. That is why I decided to talk to my wife about it and come clean with the amount of food that I eat in a day.

I will stop and get something to eat before I get home from work, and then I will sit down at the table with my family and eat dinner. I also go behind the family when they are all done with dinner and I eat what is left while I am “cleaning up”.

I eat to silence the noise in my head. I eat because I am comfortable doing so. I eat to be social. I eat when I am sleepy. I also eat until I hurt. When I wake up in the morning I am full with all the food that I have eaten the night before. I eat breakfast simply because it is the "designated time to eat”.

To combat this I am going to try to mindfully eat. I will only eat when I am hungry, not when it is time for breakfast, or lunch, or even dinner. If I am not hungry, I am not eating. It is way harder than it sounds. I have to think every time I want to get something to eat, “Am I eating this because I am hungry, or do I just want to eat something right now?” If it is the latter, than I need to think about why I have decided to eat? What might I be trying to cover up with food?

I tell you what; I am not really off to good start.

MAN IN THE MIRROR

I recently found one of my own journals that I managed to fill about halfway.

I decided to transcribe what is in the journal to this blog. I know that I have about two or maybe three other journals with equal amounts of entries. At one point I thought that I want to get all this in the same place, and this seems like a good place to do that.

In reading my very first entry from 1999 and putting it on the blog, and then skimming through the pages of the journal I am frightened.

Frightened for many reasons. I started the journal process right after it was clear to me that my wife was leaving me. I was away in Japan deployed with the Marine Corps and I had four months before we were to come home. I was 25 years old and my wife at the time was 23 I think.

When I started to transcribe I felt like I had to make a comment immediately after I got done because I felt like my thinking at the time was so foolish. Even though it is my goal to keep track of everything that has brought me to the point where I am right now, I did not want to be linked to the thoughts that I wrote down on paper. As I go on and continue to transcribe that first journal, it is certainly not going to be a very flattering picture of me.

It seems like in hearing that my wife was leaving me, my main concern was my money. When I left my current wife I remember that was an issue of mine as well. I am bothered because it does not show a whole lot of growth on my part.

At one point I say in that post that I am going to fight for my money my name. Never did I say that I was going to fight for my marriage.

There are a lot of things that I am feeling about that particular post, but I am going to dismiss most of it to being young and inexperienced in life.

In the future I will just leave comments in the posts that I transcribe from journal entries.

IT MEANS NO WORRIES

I can summarize my day in just two words.

FUCK IT! (what a wonderful phrase)

Today was a wash. It was wrong at every turn. There was definitely a short supply of good news. When things looked like they might get better, it just went to shit all over again.

Somewhere toward the end of my day at work I as able to fine a new sense of hope. I stopped thinking about how much more shit this day would bring.

I was able to effectively erase this bullshit ass day with two little words...

My boss is a jerk that only talks to me when he has something negative to say

FUCK IT!

I had two employees call in sick

FUCK IT!

I had to stay late to cover

FUCK IT!

My wife is talking to me like I am the dumbest asshole on the face of the planet

FUCK IT!

The day kept dragging with no end in sight until I was able to just let the day go by simply saying

FUCK IT! I got tomorrow.

I know that today is just today, and I get to hit the reset button when I go to bed tonight.

So if you spent anytime talking to me today after 3pm. I didn’t hear anything you said. I was already in FUCK IT mode.

I’m going to just double down on tomorrow.