My Mother's Son

Yesterday I was at a funeral. I had not attended one since ’83. I have been avoiding them, even the one for my grandmother.

What comes to mind is the tears, the grief, and the pain that one feels for their loss. I did not want anything to do with that. I feel like I have spent those feelings for my mother and grandfather.

I did not really know much about the deceased, my wife’s uncle. For this reason I did not expect to cry or to be emotional in any way. I was there to lend my support to my family.

I did not expect that seeing the people that I love and know very well in pain would affect me greatly. So I did shed a tear or two.

I thought that this would break open the floodgates and I would be a mess, but the only time that I thought about my mother that day was in reference to my mother-in-law.

I love her. I don’t know that I have said it to her, but I do. Many women have mothered me since ’81, but it never felt like what I would imagine a mother-son relationship to be. The relationship that I have with my mother-in-law is what I have imagined it to be. She is a wonderful woman that I cherish greatly.

I have never called another woman mom. I say it to my wife sometimes, but it does not mean the same. I even say it in reference to my mother-in-law to my wife, but never to her.

Somewhere inside me I am not ready for that. I am afraid of that. I feel as though it is some kind of betrayal. I love my mother still. I know that she is gone, but she is here somehow. I know I see her when I look at my daughter, and sometimes when my daughter looks at me I feel as though mom sees me. This is the reason my daughter’s smile means so much to me.

With that being said, I hope that my mother-in-law knows how I feel. I think that it is expressed without words, or at least I hope that it is. I often wish that I would have known her sooner, that maybe I could have received some of her guidance while I grew up with three other men in our house stumbling through the hurdles of childhood, adolescence, high school, and adulthood with next to no maternal guidance.

I will find a way to say it. I want her to know. I know, more than most, that nothing is guaranteed except for right now. Right now though is still not good for me.